Must You?

Ever see “The Sunshine Boys” with George Burns and Walter Matthau?

There’s a scene where Burns is looking through a box of memoirs, visiting his past. Then, he looks down and has realized he’s wet himself.

“Now the circle is complete” he says (I may be paraphrasing here).

Meaning: “I am a baby, again.”

Well, I saw a parallel today at the gym. Actually, it’s one I've seen too many days.

Old men, and flagrant nudity.

It’s like watching a five year old, joyously nude, unencumbered by his social surroundings or any scrap of self conscious behavior. This “elderly gentleman” was sitting on the bench in the locker room, like a stripped Humpty Dumpty, trimming his nails. As if that wasn’t “wreck at the side of the road” alluring enough, his tongue was sliding out of his mouth like an overheated bulldog’s. How do I know this? The noise was so loud I had to look in his direction, prepared to dial 911.

“Yes sir? Your emergency?”

What would I say? “Cardiac arrest? MI? Afib?”

No, Starker Pedicure.

Yikes.

This habit is hopefully one I am not heading for as I age. Other old men seem to do this as well, most oddly with a foot raised on the bench.

Ghastly.

Comparing notes with other male friends, they’ve seen this as well. But, as vets who refuse to talk about the horrors of combat, no one dares speak of it until it’s brought up. Then, we nod our heads in resigned trauma, recalling our shared walk with the Dangle of Death.

There’s no good reason for gym-nudia: to gad about in your biggest organ, scrotal damage imminent as your twig and berry swing like wrinkled twin Tarzans. Total disregard for humanity defined!

Remember in gym class when a pair of kids would both go for a jumper at the same time? And both shots would land in the basket together? And it’d all get stuck, hanging there, defying space and time? And everyone would laugh and the girls would blush?

Sorry. Some of you may be eating.

I’ll stop. Or I can call on the gym coach to come over, whack it with a broom and end the horror.

Would that help? Because that circle needs complete closure.

Now.

Stingspreen?

What the? Message in a Clairol Bottle?